This is a real conversation that just happened in my living room:
Me: (after Gil drapes himself on me while I’m trying to watch HGTV, purposely blocking my view) I can’t wait until we have a real house babe. With lots of space. And a basement. And home office. And living room. So much space for both of us.
Him: Yeah it will be nice to actually live together but not be together all the time.
For serious you guys – this condo has been good to me but it is just way too small for the two of us, considering we both need office space and wind up fighting for real estate on the tiny kitchen table. And we can literally never agree on what to watch on TV. Oh, and there is only one bathroom. Need I say more?
Me: Ugh, I know. I can’t wait til we have our totally separate spaces to spread out, but still be under the same roof. Like, you’ll be down in the basement and I’ll be upstairs watching TV or something. OH!! We need to get walkie talkies! That way we can talk to each other from anywhere in the house.
Him: **glares at me** No.
Me: Why not? It would be great! I’d be all “Hey babe, what are you doing down there? Over.”
Him: There is no way–
Me: **interrupting him swiftly** YES! The more I think about this the better it is. “Is there any red wine in the wine cellar? Can you bring it up when you have a minute? Over.” OR “I think I heard a bear outside and it sounds angry, can you come up and check? Over.”
In my fantasy there is a wine cellar down there – obviously.
Him: No, no, no. That is not happening. We are NOT getting walkie talkies.
Me: Why NOT??? We are going to need them in Colorado anyway for all our wilderness adventures.
Him: What? Where are we going that you need a walkie talkie? We have cell phones.
Me: Ummmm, hellooooo. There are SO many moutainy adventurey parts of Colorado that won’t have cell phone service. Duh.
Him: Where the hell are you going that we need the walkie talkies to talk to each other? Where the hell are you going? We’re just out in the wilderness together and you’re gonna peace out on your own?
Me: Maybe. I might have to go for a walk to find a place to pee or something and someone could attack me. Then I would need the walkie talkies. **feeling self-satisfied for making such a solid argument**
Him: If you get attacked in the wilderness, the last thing you need is to be talking on a walkie talkie. You need a GUN. Let your gun do the talking.