I was taking a shower tonight after midnight, as I am wont to do, when I was struck with the fear of being crushed by our glass shower door. This is not the first time either. Something is off on the track, or it needs to be oiled (greased? I don’t know, I’m not a shower door technician) and so when I try to close it, it doesn’t glide seamlessly along its track. I basically drag it into place at this point. And then stand there for a full two minutes to make sure it’s not going to come crashing down on me.

Shut up, I know you’re judging me about letting the water run considering California is in a catastrophic drought and all, but you can’t tell me what to do. I have to protect myself from the shower door. Which, incidentally, even if it DID fall off its tracks and down toward me in the shower, I would not be crushed to death. Physics doesn’t work like that, and even I know this logically. Allow me to illustrate…

I know, you’re wondering why I haven’t pursued a career as an artist. Or a physicist. This actually took me about 20 minutes to make – I thought it would be easier and then I was just in too deep to stop.

Anyway, I know I won’t REALLY be crushed by the shower door, so after I verify this fact for a few minutes, I move on with my shower.

But it doesn’t stop there. When you are at home alone (which I am tonight), it’s a scientific fact that you are more likely to be attacked by an intruder in the shower if you have shampoo in your eyes. If you get shampoo in your eyes, and you’re alone in your house showering after midnight, just accept the fact that you are the opening scene in a horror movie.

Every noise in the building has me reaching for my Venus razor, because if someone is coming after me, I’m going to seriously inconvenience them with my lady razor before they can bludgeon me to death. It’s super sharp guys, I haven’t used it for much lately.

At this point, I need to rinse my hair so that I’m no longer in danger of intruders, but this opens up a whole new problem. Have you seen Arachnophobia? Did you watch it when you were 7? Cool, me too – we should probably start a support group together.

There is a scene in the movie where the serial killer spider climbs onto the shower head, and as the girl in the movie is rinsing her hair with her eyes closed, it falls off with the water ONTO HER FACE. She doesn’t die I don’t think, but that scene scarred me for life. I would only take baths for like 2 years after that.

So once I survive the spider water, I really have to shave my legs. The bottom half at least – I have to wear a dress tomorrow, but it comes down just past my knee. OK, real talk. Balancing on one leg with the other perched up to shave can be precarious. And if you’ve ever even slightly lost your balance or slipped in the shower, you’ve experienced that feeling of utter panic that you’re going to fall in the shower, crack your head open, and they’re going to find you naked in the shower with hairy legs.

If you happen to be a fat girl, this fear is amplified even further. Honestly, that would be my nightmare to be found naked in my tub in what I can only assume would be the least flattering position ever.

I’ve had a couple ankle surgeries and have had to use a shower bench, but there was one time when I was at my parents’ house and I didn’t have it. I convinced them to bring up a plastic outdoor chair so I could sit on it in their shower and attempt to shave my 4 week post surgery wildebeest legs. Pro tip – don’t do this. I leaned forward too far and the flimsy plastic chair slipped out from under me (shocker, right??) and the only thing that gave me the strength to catch myself and not completely re-break my ankle was the utter mortification at the idea of being found naked by my parents.

Back to this evening though, I finally finished my shower and felt like Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (I’m just full of late 80’s movie references today), making it through almost insurmountable obstacles to get to the holy grail. Which is obviously clean hair and smooth legs, ultimately putting me one step ahead of things tomorrow morning, which means an extra 30 minutes of sleep.

And honestly, that’s the main reason I take showers at night – because I’m too lazy to take them in the morning and society (and Gil) have continuously reminded me that not showering for days on end is not a viable option.

And so I share this with you to show you that for someone who really can’t turn their brain off at night, this is the kind of shit that runs through my head EVERY TIME I take a shower. But I keep doing it. For you. And for Gil. Because that’s love.