My boyfriend farts in front of me ALL THE TIME.

And when I say he farts, it’s not just a delicate expulsion of gas… no, he full-on RIPS ASS, and frankly, I think he takes pride in it. And he doesn’t just fart on the other side of the room… no, he does it in bed pretty much every night. And like clockwork, I tell him how disgusting it is and that I hope he shits himself one of these times as payback.

My more recent response to this behavior has been to start farting in front of him – frequently and aggressively. It bothers him so much, which just makes me more determined to continue doing it. Any time I fart, he will immediately stop what he’s doing, stare at me with steely eyes, and say in a flat voice, “Get out.” To which I just laugh and fart again – if I have it in me.

I ask him all the time, “How come it’s OK for you to fart but not for me?” to which he inevitably replies, “Because I’m A MAN. It’s OK for me. But when you do it, it’s disgusting.” Double standard much, eh?

Seriously though, before you get all offended on my behalf, you should know he’s totally kidding (well, mostly kidding) when he says stuff like that. It’s just become part of the dance of our relationship at this point. Romantic, huh? But it got me thinking.

You can’t scroll through Facebook anymore without seeing some article or post out there that offers a specific lens from which to view your relationship – usually for some evaluative purpose. Well, forget those. I have figured out the ULTIMATE barometer for relationships. Farts. It’s farts. I’m sure of it.

So allow me to lay out for you the stages of a relationship and what they mean based on farts. You’re welcome.

Stage 1

No one farts in front of each other. This is the beginning of a relationship, and you are both still trying to only show the best version of yourself to each other, and farting is not part of that equation. This is obviously much easier to accomplish when you aren’t spending the night with each other yet. This is also, apparently, a very difficult stage for many men. Gil informed me many moons later how miserable those first few weeks were, trying to hold in his farts around me all the time.

Stage 2 

He farts in front of you. Now, I apologize for the sexism here, but let’s be honest… the men usually fart first. And it usually happens once he thinks he’s “landed” you, ladies. Which, incidentally, is usually around the time you start rolling around naked together. At least, that was the case for us. As soon as we started having sex, he started farting. Not DURING sex mind you (although let’s be honest… it happens, but we’ll get to that), but at the same time chronologically in our relationship.

This means he’s comfortable around you, and that is a good thing. Or maybe more accurately, he believes farting will no longer jeopardize his ability to get laid. In this stage, although the men are farting, they are usually just doing it as a necessity and not typically as some type of twisted game or to trap you in the most foul Dutch Oven you’ve ever experienced. No, no, that comes later. Trust me.

Stage 3

You fart in front of him. This one is actually a bigger deal than you might imagine. As a general rule, women are typically more self-conscious about things that have to do with their body than men are. Which is silly, but doesn’t stop it from being true. Usually, by the time the woman in the relationship starts farting in front of the man, she’s gotten emotionally comfortable. There is a level of intimacy that goes beyond just sex – she now believes the relationship is solid enough to survive her farts. That she will still be lovable and sexy and desirable, even if she lets a stink bomb drop. She no longer has to leave the hotel room during a weekend getaway to fart in the hallway.

And actually, I’m adding an amendment to this stage – it’s also usually when she’s comfortable enough to poop in his general vicinity. I don’t mean an open-door dump (that’s just bad manners and definitely Stage 7 behavior, which I’ll explain in a minute) but rather on that same weekend getaway, she can poop in the hotel room bathroom instead of going all the way down to the lobby to handle business.

Stage 4

You both fart for humor. At this point in the relationship, you are already intimately familiar with each other’s body parts. Someone has peed in front of someone already. You’ve probably had a sex mishap or two as you try new things. You can now laugh it off if you sneeze while riding him and a little pee comes out. It happens. You’ve reached the point in your relationship where you laugh instead of getting embarrassed. So now farts become joke fodder. You can openly tease each when you rip ass, and sometimes do it on purpose just to get a laugh. This is the stage where farting during sex is a total non-issue and even adds a good amount of humor into the mix, which usually just makes things better. Caveat on this one though… farting during ORAL SEX is never OK. Just… no.

Stage 5

Farting becomes competitive. This one may not apply to all couples, but it certainly applies to us. And I suppose this is the stage where things could go south quickly if you aren’t fundamentally compatible. This is the stage in which you try to outdo one another with your farts. In this stage, you have probably at one point endured a Dutch Oven at the hands of your beloved. If you’re unfamiliar, Urban Dictionary defines it as “The act of trapping a person under bed covers after releasing vile ass fumes.”

As I mentioned earlier, Gil seems to wait until he’s in bed with me or standing right next to me to let the biggest farts rip. Case in point: I am sitting on the couch writing this and he was at the kitchen table. After sitting there for 15 minutes or so he walked over to the living room to get something and farted DIRECTLY in front of me before heading back to the table. Oh, game on buddy. Just wait until you want to spoon tonight.

But this works for us, because we both find it amusing at heart and our farts are filled with laughter, not malice. Once you are farting maliciously, your relationship is in trouble.

Stage 6

You develop a 6th sense for their farts. At this point, you know everything about the other person… there are no big surprises left. Which is not a bad thing. It just means you are intimately connected on a whole lot of levels. You’ve spent enough time together to really understand how the other person operates. As my friend Melanie put it, once you’re with someone long enough, you can not only tell when they’re hungry before they realize it, or exactly when they’re about the come, but you can sense when they are about to fart. She calls it a “fart tell” and she figured out her husband’s awhile ago.

This is the type of intimate understanding of another human being that drives the dating industry machine. People want to find their match – the person who is going to understand them at their core. Be careful though… because from here it can be a slippery slope to Stage 7, which is where romance goes to die.

Stage 7

Farting has become the tip of the disgusting iceberg. If you slide into this stage, I can tell you that your relationship is probably in jeopardy and you need to re-evaluate your choices. This is a world where farting is the least of your troubles. Where you don’t even close the door when you poop. Or you leave nasty, skid-mark streaked underwear all over the floor. This is when you’ve reached a point where you can’t be bothered to keep up with personal appearance anymore, and you just don’t care about impressing the other person at all.

I’m not advocating that women need to wear a full face of makeup and a corset every night, or that men shouldn’t be able to lounge around the house in boxers all day on a lazy Sunday. A healthy relationship is one where you can be yourself, and be vulnerable and flawed. But in order for a romantic relationship to function, there still needs to be ROMANCE. And I think the longer a couple is together (especially after you throw stressful jobs, kids, and finances into the mix) the more effort it can require. So if you find yourself in Stage 7, check yourself. Take a step back and really evaluate things.

Try to remember those early days in the relationship, when you went through the trouble of waiting until AFTER you dropped her off to fart in your car on the way home. Or when you always shaved your legs for him and casually went outside to “check something” before you farted. Remember the romance of holding in your farts. Because while it’s in no way realistic in a long term relationship to ACTUALLY hold them in, it’s a reminder of a time when we did go out of our way, even gastrointestinally, for the person we love.

So fart away my friends, but don’t ever stop going out of your way for your significant other, and finding ways to make them feel special. That’s what really matters… we can always crack a window or light a match for the rest.

Image via Giphy