I think an infomercial just proved I’m an old lady at heart, and that I should really be named Ruth, or Maude. Tonight, while trying to ignore the most boring science show Gil is now obsessed with, my attention was ripped from my Instagram cruising by THE MATTRESS WEDGE.

Now, don’t be fooled. At first I assumed it was a piece of sex furniture too (no judgement if that’s where your mind went, and don’t lie… it totally did). But then I realized it was 9:00 PM and those types of things shouldn’t really be airing until closer to the 3:00 AM mark.

No, this mattress wedge solves a problem you didn’t even know you had. Well, you did know but you didn’t realize how big a problem it was until you WATCHED THIS INFOMERCIAL. It’s literally a long skinny wedge that you lay across the top of your mattress to prevent your pillows from falling in the dreaded “gap” between the wall or headboard and the bed.

To see the full website and video it all its glory, check it out here: The Mattress Wedge

This is real life people. I complain about this all the time. I don’t have a headboard, and we just bought a new bed with a special frame (it’s MOVABLE and it vibrates – more on that in a minute) so our mattress just rests against the wall right now. I know, go ahead. Judge me. I deserve it. It is SO “I’m still in my early 20’s in the big bad city trying to make it work” and not “I’m 30 and have a respectable job and even though I’m still not a grown-up, I have matching bedroom furniture that didn’t come from IKEA so it looks like I have my shit together.”

ANYWAY, this thing is now something I have to own. Not only will it prevent my pillows from tumbling into the depths of despair that is the wall gap, it also has a pocket for a remote control (or apparently a tiny stuffed animal if you are a child). I can’t say for certain whether I would use that pocket for a remote or a Diet Coke, but either way, it’s pretty awesome. I’m not sure how I’ve been living without a cup holder for my bed for 30 years.

Oh! I almost forgot, I promised I would get back to it. The remote pocket would actually be particularly useful because we just bought a REMOTE CONTROLLED BED. No joke. I completely got talked into a frame that cost more than the mattress. The head and the feet can raise up on this thing, and the whole freaking base has a vibrate setting for “gentle massage.” I know, as a salesperson I should be immune to these up-selling tactics, but I’m a walking mark. And as much as I made fun of it in the store for being an “old person hospital bed” it actually rocks. And every time we turn on the massage setting, I pretend our bed is coin-operated and heart-shaped and it makes me happy in my heart.

And now I’ll have a place to put my remote control and Diet Coke while keeping my pillows safe! I think I just had a tiny orgasm. No wait, that was just the mattress.