Why, yes, that IS my nipple in your wedding photo!

This is not a phrase every girl dreams of saying one day. I however, am not like most girls. Wait, that implies I dreamed of saying it… that’s not true, but my nipple has made an appearance in some professional wedding photos. It might be on video somewhere too, who knows.

About 5 years ago, my best friend from college got married. I was so excited for her. She and her college sweetheart were perfect for each other – I even had a hand in shoving them together the first night they met. I like to think of myself as a smooth wing-woman and matchmaker but mostly I was tipsy and loud and physically cornered them together until it was palpably awkward. But it worked out, and a few years later they decided to tie the knot.

This was a decent sized affair and relatively formal, although not black-tie. And I was the Maid of Honor. But without the horrible dress or having to stand up next to them. Having experienced what it was like to be a bridesmaid and how quickly things could unravel, she’d wisely opted to avoid all the drama and just have me wear what I wanted, sit where I wanted and give a speech at the reception. No muss, no fuss.

And I will say this – it was a flawlessly executed wedding at a country club and the reception was a hell of a party. I’ve been to somewhere between 20 and 30 weddings in the last 7 or 8 years and this one stands out. And not just because of my nipple, but we’re getting to that.

Anyhow, I was seated with another friend from college and some of the bride’s friends from work and I’d say our table would be considered one of the single and rowdy variety. Post-wedding parties were being planned, champagne was being spilled, and dance moves were getting… interesting. I had purposely abstained from the cocktails to make sure my speech went smoothly, and once that was over I figured I could relax for the rest of the night.

And then… the announcement of death. The one I have come to loathe over the years – the bouquet toss. It used to just be an annoyance since I don’t really get into a lot of wedding traditions, but I get that some people are into it and I could usually be convinced to get out on the floor. But this particular experience has helped fuel my hatred for it, and is the reason I now refuse to get sucked into the clawing cluster of women to fight for an arrangement of flowers I didn’t even get to pick out.

I would have just sat this one out and gleefully watched all the drunk single girls fighting over the flowers like bargain shoppers on Black Friday, but as the Maid of Honor and the only woman from our table not on the dance floor, I was called out and begrudgingly made my way to the center of the room.

Now, I kid you not, one of the girls at my table was over 6 feet tall. The girl had some serious reach and we all knew she’d be able to pluck anything out of the sky before we even really knew what happened. So there we were, the seven of us lined up shoulder to shoulder with the Amazon in the middle, all eyes on us, every photographer poised to capture this moment in time forever. As I’m being jostled and trying to keep a smile on my face for the pictures, I realize that my vertically advanced table mate now has her arms stretched wide, essentially holding back the three women on either side of her. And in her champagne fueled attempt to jockey for position, she’s clutching at the rest of us. One of whom happens to be a 38DDD in a wrap dress.

Yup, in the midst of the flashbulbs and the bride and groom’s family and friends all looking on, I feel my dress being grabbed and ripped right off my boob. Nipple out. Full boob. Luckily I have pretty nice boobs, so I guess there are worse things, but STILL. I’m not even sure exactly how she managed it, but that was my cue. Like a lady, I re-situated my dress, tucked my boob back in and walked swiftly back to my seat for the champagne I’d left waiting for me. And wouldn’t you know it, she staggered back a couple minutes later, victorious and clutching her prize.

And that, dear friends, is why you will always find me conveniently in the bathroom or getting a drink whenever it’s time for the bouquet toss. I like to expose my nipples on my own terms.